Darkangel,

You and I, we had some unfinished business.  There were so many things I wanted to say to you today, but didn't.  I didn't because I knew that words were meaningless, as hurtful as they could be, not because I was scared of confronting you (well, there may have been a bit of that too), but because I knew upon seeing you that if I sat down and talked with you, I would end up in tears.  I wonder if you wanted to say something, if you wanted to defend yourself, not knowing how much thought I've already put into your defense.

I wanted to say so many things to you; even now that lingers.  Perhaps especially now, after seeing you for the first (and probably the last) time since October.  The main thing I wanted to tell you, scream at you, and whisper softly between my tears, is this: you were (and remain) the only person who was ever able to make me feel like it was okay to just exist.  I cried when I felt welcome in Tyler's arms because even then, I felt like I shouldn't have been alive.  There was never a moment of doubt with you, not until the conversation where I ended up in tears, and the line disconnected and we left each other in bitter silence.  You took that ability and tossed it away, and now I can't find it anymore.  You were the only person who ever had the power to talk me into getting help, and you used that power to make sure I would never give it to anyone else.  It wasn't your intent, but that's the result, and it's a result that I don't want to change.  (That power is one you still have; I don't take back the things I give away - I can't.)

When I saw you today, I felt like I was wasting your time, wasting everything that I have, everything that I am.  I felt disfigured, like an extra limb poking out at the wrong place.  I don't belong here.  I still love you.  I still trust you, even when I shouldn't.  That's why we can't be friends, as far as I'm concerned.  You have different reasons, but this is mine: I trust you when I shouldn't, and I realize now that you never trusted me.  I forgive you, but it still hurts.

It's funny that you worried (if only jokingly) that I would hurt you.  I can't imagine intentionally doing that, especially not physically.  I might mentally scar you by hurting myself in front of you, but even that I couldn't bring myself to do.  It's why I didn't explain my gift.  It's why I haven't contacted you much.  It doesn't take much to keep people at a distance when you wake up every day feeling like you shouldn't exist, but it took effort for you, and I hope you know that I never wanted to harass you.  I hope I never have.

We didn't talk today because it doesn't matter what I have to say when you don't believe me, and it doesn't matter what you have to say when I so inexplicably trust you.  You mean well, meant well, and always will.  I didn't want you to see me crying again, because I know that as strong as you are, it would still affect you.  I know; it's over now.  I hope you don't mind that I call you my ex.  You're the only person who ever made me feel at home, welcome.  (You were the only home I ever had.)  I still miss that feeling.

I hope you find what you're looking for.  I hope you find the love and care that you so deeply deserve.



Sincerely,

I wish you well.


PS: Your nickname comes from a VNV Nation song.

. . . things I'm not sure you ever wanted to hear.

                But it doesn't matter anymore.  Maybe it never did.



2.

I woke up today the way I used to every day - feeling tired of everything.  The world is too much right now.  And all I want to do is sleep and not wake up.  I've had enough.  More than enough.  And yet it seems I never quite get what I actually need, whatever that is.

I barely left my room today.

Sometimes I feel as if, my entire life, I have been trying to run away from myself.  Sometimes I wonder if, even in death, I will fail.



4.

You weren't smiling when you woke up.  Not the way he used to. 

My chest is overflowing and I thank you.  The corners of your mouth curve up, your eyes filled with sunlight and green earth, and you ask why.

"For being here," I say with guilt.  What I'm trying not to tell you, what I am actually thinking, is this: I'm sorry I am alive and stealing your time away.  I'm sorry that I exist.



6.

You wink at me as you walk by, flag in hand, victorious.  Suddenly everything is okay.  I don't want to trust you, to believe in you, to fall for you.  But it's already happening. 

I never asked for any of this.



8.

I said to you that it would take more than a miracle to save me. 
"So you need two miracles," you reply with a chuckle.  "Well, that can be arranged." 

Right now I am listening to a song called "Miracles Don't Happen". 

I can't afford to have hope.



9.

The problems I have, my inability to let go of the past, they're all in my mind, this I know.  But my mind's made up, and I don't really want it to change.  But maybe I do.  I'm sorry that I'm not much more than a conditioned animal.  I'm sorry there is no undo button in life.  I don't want my world to come crashing down, as much as living in it hurts right now.  But maybe I don't know what I want.  I don't want to have to rebuild myself.  _Again.  This I know.

Someone did a tarot reading of my love life once.   The card that came up for my ideal scenario was the one for abandonment. 

The thing is, I want you in my life.  And I want you to stay.  The walls that I have so carefully rebuilt are crashing down to let you in. 


But you're already walking away.



12.

It's stronger now, feeling as if I am out of space, out of time.  That feeling of being an unnecessary limb poking out in the worst possible place?  I still have it.  No one ever wanted me here, now.  I know it's not true, but how I feel doesn't change.

It hurts, and it won't go away.