13.07.2011

Darkangel,

You and I, we had some unfinished business.  There were so many things I wanted to say to you today, but didn't.  I didn't because I knew that words were meaningless, as hurtful as they could be, not because I was scared of confronting you (well, there may have been a bit of that too), but because I knew upon seeing you that if I sat down and talked with you, I would end up in tears.  I wonder if you wanted to say something, if you wanted to defend yourself, not knowing how much thought I've already put into your defense.

I wanted to say so many things to you; even now that lingers.  Perhaps especially now, after seeing you for the first (and probably the last) time since October.  The main thing I wanted to tell you, scream at you, and whisper softly between my tears, is this: you were (and remain) the only person who was ever able to make me feel like it was okay to just exist.  I cried when I felt welcome in Tyler's arms because even then, I felt like I shouldn't have been alive.  There was never a moment of doubt with you, not until the conversation where I ended up in tears, and the line disconnected and we left each other in bitter silence.  You took that ability and tossed it away, and now I can't find it anymore.  You were the only person who ever had the power to talk me into getting help, and you used that power to make sure I would never give it to anyone else.  It wasn't your intent, but that's the result, and it's a result that I don't want to change.  (That power is one you still have; I don't take back the things I give away - I can't.)

When I saw you today, I felt like I was wasting your time, wasting everything that I have, everything that I am.  I felt disfigured, like an extra limb poking out at the wrong place.  I don't belong here.  I still love you.  I still trust you, even when I shouldn't.  That's why we can't be friends, as far as I'm concerned.  You have different reasons, but this is mine: I trust you when I shouldn't, and I realize now that you never trusted me.  I forgive you, but it still hurts.

It's funny that you worried (if only jokingly) that I would hurt you.  I can't imagine intentionally doing that, especially not physically.  I might mentally scar you by hurting myself in front of you, but even that I couldn't bring myself to do.  It's why I didn't explain my gift.  It's why I haven't contacted you much.  It doesn't take much to keep people at a distance when you wake up every day feeling like you shouldn't exist, but it took effort for you, and I hope you know that I never wanted to harass you.  I hope I never have.

We didn't talk today because it doesn't matter what I have to say when you don't believe me, and it doesn't matter what you have to say when I so inexplicably trust you.  You mean well, meant well, and always will.  I didn't want you to see me crying again, because I know that as strong as you are, it would still affect you.  I know; it's over now.  I hope you don't mind that I call you my ex.  You're the only person who ever made me feel at home, welcome.  (You were the only home I ever had.)  I still miss that feeling.

I hope you find what you're looking for.  I hope you find the love and care that you so deeply deserve.



Sincerely,

I wish you well.


PS: Your nickname comes from a VNV Nation song.