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everyday heroes: a letter to those who aren't afraid to smile at strangers;
to those who love freely and speak openly;
to the select few who neither overestimate
nor underestimate their own worth;
to the ones who aren't afraid of making the first move,
but refuse to be reckless with others' hearts;
to those who don't know jealousy or choose to ignore it;
to those who seek permission before acting,
but forgive others
to those who teach others how to do these things;
to everyone who proves that life is worth living,
but can accept that sometimes it's better to give up;
to all those who accept people for who they are,
and accept the world for what it is,
but strive to change it for the better
and strive to better themselves;
to everyone who knows how to admit when they're wrong
but lack arrogance when they're r
Why I hate apologies:== 24 December 2008 ==
"Why did you do it?" I paused, waiting for an answer that didn't come.
"I mean, what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking." You eked out through your stammering.
"I just want to know why. What was going through that thick skull of yours?" Containing my frustration was an impossible task.
"I just. I wanted to make you happy."
== 20 May 2007 ==
"Are you okay?"
I nodded, though I hadn't the courage to look up at you.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," you say over and over and over again.
You gave me a look of pity as I sat in the corner formed by my bed and my desk, my knees pulled to my chest and tremors emanating through my entire body. That was when I knew. Words were always worthless. No amount of apologies could undo what you had just done. No words could make up for it.
Then your mother called. You looked at me with what I thought was worry, so I mustered the strength
Notes to self:To my younger self:
Run away. Do it fast. Look up emotional rape. Get help with emancipation. It's hard, I know, but I'm stuck now where I know you didn't want to be. Trust yourself, most of all. I can't emphasize this enough. I know you were taught not to, but please believe in me, in us. Avoid that first fall, because even now, I don't know if I'm standing or crawling. I don't know if I ever cared to get back up.
Where I am now, I have no regrets. But you shouldn't have to accept the things that I've finally come to terms with. You deserve more than I ever gave myself credit for. Take what you need and run. Just run.
You're a smart girl. You can handle more than you think. The world is yours for the taking.
But don't forget to have fun. I can't emphasize this enough either. Remember to continue exercising even after you're done with gym classes. Rock-climbing is fun.
Things I sometimes wanted to say . . .. . . things I'm not sure you ever wanted to hear.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it never did.
20 November 2011
I woke up today the way I used to every day - feeling tired of everything. The world is too much right now. And all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. I've had enough. More than enough. And yet it seems I never quite get what I actually need, whatever that is.
I barely left my room today.
Sometimes I feel as if, my entire life, I have been trying to run away from myself. Sometimes I wonder if, even in death, I will fail.
You weren't smiling when you woke up. Not the way he use
You and I, we had some unfinished business. There were so many things I wanted to say to you today, but didn't. I didn't because I knew that words were meaningless, as hurtful as they could be, not because I was scared of confronting you (well, there may have been a bit of that too), but because I knew upon seeing you that if I sat down and talked with you, I would end up in tears. I wonder if you wanted to say something, if you wanted to defend yourself, not knowing how much thought I've already put into your defense.
I wanted to say so many things to you; even now that lingers. Perhaps especially now, after seeing you for the first (and probably the last) time since October. The main thing I wanted to tell you, scream at you, and whisper softly between my tears, is this: you were (and remain) the only person who was ever able to make me feel like it was okay to just exist. I cried when I felt welcome in
Broken IIWhen stubborn defiance
is all I care to be
it only takes patience
to break me completely.
If I'm silent, refuse
to speak, you will assume
idiocy, wrong views.
My self you will consume
until nothing is left
of my beliefs and thoughts.
now have you what you sought?!
From Past to FutureDear you,
In the five years that it will take me to become you, I hope that you do not forget the first time I genuinely laughed. And I hope you don't forget the person who shared with you the one laugh you were never ashamed of (hopefully the first of more to come). You have a promise to keepmany promises actually. Only four of them really matter though, and I sincerely hope you keep them. This is one of them. Promise me you won't forget what it is to truly be happy.
The second promise I want you to keep is to change your name. I've always wanted to, and I've known the name I've wanted and still want for over three years now. I don't care how much it will cost, and I hope you don't forget that feeling. I'm only 19, and the determination I have now isn't nearly as strong as it used to be. Please, find that strength again, and carry it with you, always. You were always proud of your stubbornnessdetermination, the others called it.
Promise three: Meet Levi. He's
Dead-birthLet water burn the sky and melt down the sun;
may muffled screams cry, and ever onwards run.
Please give me a sign so I'll know when I've gone,
'cause you know that I'd lie as I am undone
and you know that I'll die just as it's begun.
Anthropology of the Self20.11.2007
That was close, Cayden. Really close. Between math class and my stupid middle college classes, I barely finished that drawing for T. I gave it to him after classes today, and he was pretty shocked when he opened the folder and first laid eyes on it. I'm pretty sure he likes it, but I feel bad for having neither applied fixative nor framed it. He gave me a hug and thanked me. Anyway. It's been a long day and I have homework to do. I'll talk to you later.
E: We live in a society of consumers. Christmas is such an overrated holiday, and people don't realize how much garbage is created just because companies love to use complicated packaging.
T: Well. That's why real presents are made by hand from scratch. You just can't go out to buy a meaningful gift, because it's not the same.
D: Have a good weekend, and see you on Tuesday.
Me: You too.
T: Thank you.
[transmissions of a dead girl]i am the
moon: i am
the silver pill
to weigh down
into leaden eyes--
i am the
of the dark.
the stars are
all dead in their
you'll be safe, dear,
as i am the moon,
with all of your
(i am good bye and yet,
you think only of romantic
i am the moon.
i am the crescent
and dead altogether,
i still die.
Keep in Touch!